Wednesday, 10 February 2016

Thoughts on dick pics

I love a surprise, don't you? It makes me think of birthdays, of that little fizz of excitement you get in your stomach. But the other week, I changed my mind. Last week I was gifted my first stranger dick pic and it made me feel all kinds of funny. And not funny excited, funny violated.

First of all, when I'm innocently scrolling through Instagram and see a private message, I expect to see a message from a lovely blogger not your ugly little Cyclops staring at me through my phone. It makes me feel dirty, like I've done something wrong to deserve being sent that. I'd put up a selfie a minute before and I thought, shit, did I ask for that? But you know what, whatever pictures you decide to put up, even if it's constantly ones of your dog with the occasional 'what I ate for lunch' post, there's always going to be some big bellend who will slide a pic of his little friend in to your DM's.

I have some questions. Why? Do girls do this to guys too? Did you just take that or do you have pre-prepared pictures? Is it always that small or was it cold or something? And what do you expect to happen? I'm being deadly serious with that last one. Do you expect girls to be like 'Oooh yeah, you seem like a nice, respectable man I want to take home to meet my parents'. I promise you, there is not one woman out there who will appreciate seeing a strangers penis right off the bat. Not one.

And the thing I find funniest is that there's no conversation first. It's like they go in with their trump card first - 'Flop out a picture of the knob, that should do it'. What I find ironic is that the general opinion from guys (not that I agree with this outdated view) is that women should be coy and act like a 'lady', yet they also expect a dirty reply or even a picture sent to a guy they have never met/spoken to/knew existed before that moment. They would probably then brand them too easy and search for Mrs Right instead, but that's none of my business.

This particular guy styled out my lack of response with a classy 'Sorry, this wasn't meant for you'. Oh smooth cover up, my friend. Because you don't follow me, we've never spoken before, so to message me, you would've had to search me and click to send me a DM. The only accident was putting that thing where it wasn't wanted. Also, final tip; if you're going to send a dick pic, even after reading this, don't be stupid enough to send it to a blogger/youtuber/writer/entertainer etc. Because we will go right ahead and use that for material. Completely anonymously of course, so that you don't have to experience the same embarrassment as I did explaining to mum why I had a picture on my phone of a penis. Especially since I'm single. You're welcome.

What are your thoughts on penis pics? Am I wrong or right?

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Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Having a netflix addiction

A few weeks ago, my sister lent me her Netflix account. I thought it would be great to watch an episode or something now and again because there were a few that everyone had been raving about. That was three weeks ago and I haven't been outside (unless I had to) since. No human contact because Hanna, Aria, Spencer and Emily are my friends now. And they've just been through so much losing Ally and dealing with A that I need to be there for them. Every. Single. Evening.

pyjamas, red cup, polka dot, 'netflix and chill'

It started innocently enough. One episode a night, still seeing friends, still wanting to actually go outside. Because how much could a documentary about a murder case take over my life? I watched each episode with my Mum so it was a sociable thing we did together and debated together. But when that ended, I started to search for more. And that was when everything changed. I found Pretty Little Liars.

At first, I'd watch one or two on an evening but one thing lead to another and I found myself watching episodes back to back on the weekend. It so easily rolls from one episode to the other, no need to even click a button. And before I knew it, 10am was 10pm and I didn't know what day it was. If anyone asked me where I lived, I'd say Rosewood of course. Netflix and chill became Netflix and shut the fuck up, can't you see I'm trying to figure out who A is?! Netflix just understands. Until it doesn't.

Am I still watching? Of course I'm watching Netflix, who else would it be? Who else have you been spending time with? I'm also still in my PJ's and haven't eaten anything that doesn't have at least 30% sugar content, what are you now, my Mum? But no matter how many times Netflix asked, I still stayed on my sofa watching, partly because it's always there for me, partly because I'm not 100% sure my legs even still work.

I'm not say Netflix has taken over my life but I did genuinely think today, 'Who needs goals and hobbies when I'm actually really happy sitting with my cat, watching amazing TV series'. Guys, S.O.S (even that's a PLL reference, somebody please stop me), I need some serious help. But the bad thing is, I know that unless someone peels me off this sofa, I'll be doing the same thing tomorrow night. Netflix. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

Which show are you addicted to? And unfortunately, Netflix didn't sponsor me for this!

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Tuesday, 19 January 2016

The fear of failure

What is your response to the question; 'What is your biggest fear?' According to an appallingly quick search on Google, most people say snakes, spiders or something related to heights and small spaces. I dread this question because it leads me to having to explain my reasoning and it's not a happy, fuzzy place I want to visit. My fear is greater than anything I'm a Celeb could ever throw at me in a Bush Tucker trial. My biggest fear is failure.

It's never too late to be what you might have been quote picture on top of pastel coloured sweets

It's a fear that's there everyday, as soon as I wake up and creeping in to my thoughts as I lay down trying to get to sleep. It's the thought that makes my heart race and my breath quicken in the middle of the night. I am terrified of being a failure, of not achieving my dreams, of being someone who everyone pities.

I have never been one to care much about what others think. I tend to focus on my own things and have never seen the point in panicking because someone doesn't like what I'm doing. But lately, other peoples opinions have been weighing me down and as soon as you start listening to them over your own determination, it's game over. Confidence has never been a massive issue for me but lately it's been getting lower and I'm second guessing myself at every turn. It's new territory for me and it's a really shitty feeling to have.

I think self confidence is a massive factor in success and without it, it's easy to curl up in a ball and not be able to reach for anything. There are days where I dread getting out of bed and even waking up because I don't want to have to be in my own head. It's a real battlefield in there and it's exhausting. And the funny part is, I spend so much time battling my own thoughts, that I run out of time to do the work that will get me where I need to be. Hilarious.

I'm not the only one either, yet no one talks about it do they? Everyone is too busy pretending that they are a success or so busy and important and 'Oh my god, juggling a career and a social life is such a ball ache!. La de fucking dah'. I think it's getting worse too because the pressure on young people nowadays to be a success is forever weighing down. Especially when the job market is getting increasingly difficult to get in to, University is less of an option now than ever before and if you think you're getting a mortgage before you are 30, dream on.

So how do you deal with a fear? Two ways; avoid it or face it. And since I can't actually avoid myself, I guess facing it is the only way to go. Which means throwing myself in to opportunities and, the biggest, most difficult, trusting my gut and believing in myself. Because I am good enough. And so are you.

What is your biggest fear?

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Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Things guys don't understand

Us girls get a lot stick for being a bit 'crazy', but guys just don't understand how difficult it is being inside our hormone-ridden minds sometimes. Personally, I think it's guys that are the confusing ones but that's a post for the other day. Here's a mere 8 things that guys just don't understand, but trust me, there are hundreds more, enjoy!

- When telling a girl a story, they have about 60 allocated expressions that they regularly whip out at appropriate times in the story. Guys just don't put the same effort in.

- Jenna Marbles once said that the longer you spend getting ready, the better night you'll have and it's true. It's like a full on therapy session and you have specific time schedules for each step. And if you get ready with the other girls, it's the perfect time to have a run through of every bit of gossip you have. Just let us do our thing, we'll get there eventually.

- We analyse everything to the death. So you may think you are leading this argument but we've already thought of 10 possible lines of enquiry and planned a defence to anything you are going to say.

- Sometimes we don't tell you what's wrong because we want you to work it out. Sometimes it's because we know you know already and we are just waiting for you to admit. And just sometimes, it's because we've forgotten what it was you actually did.

- You may think it's funny to make fun of our make up or a new look we are trying out and we may even laugh along but we feel that shit in our soul.

- We don't actually spend our time crying that we are single. So when you say 'all the girls tweeting #wastehistime2016 are gonna be sorry on February 14th' you're just giving us more reason to thank god we don't have to spend an evening with a guy who can't take a joke.

- Some of us like sport, some like engineering, others like make up. And some - I'd take a seat for this bit lads - like all 3.

- We don't all drink wine or vodka cokes. Some of us (me included) appreciate a good pint of cider. Especially if you were brought up in the West Country where it is considered the nectar of the Gods.

- I was looking for ideas on the internet and came across guys asking why we wear wedge heels or leggings because it's not attractive. Perhaps I should have started with this; not everything we do is to please guys. *mind blown*

Can you relate to any of these?

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Wednesday, 6 January 2016

What happens when you become an Auntie

Aunt and Niece strawberry picking in a field in England
Can't believe this was 2 years ago, a spot of strawberry picking, how very British!

1. Nothing's just yours any more. Food? I don't think so. All your sparkly shoes? Nope. Make up? Who are you kidding, of course not! But you don't care because if it keeps her quiet makes her happy for 5 minutes, then so be it.

2. You stop caring about what others think. If she asks you to start dancing to that street performers music, you bet you're going to be jumping around and head banging instantly.

3. Shopping becomes a lot more exciting because you get to go in the kids section and play with the toys without the judging looks.

4. You have to sway between fun Auntie with the sweets and responsible Auntie on the streets. (and make terrible references to 00's songs apparently).

5. Arts and crafts workshops end up you with all the other grown ups frantically trying to out glitter each other while the kids get bored and run off.

6. You get to play Barbies again and seriously, they are better than they used to be. They have roller skates and proper showers to wash the pets in. Except for Mog the cat because Mog just hates the water...sorry, forgot where I was for a second.

7. She can literally scribble on a piece of paper and you will act like Van Gough has released some new art work.

8. No matter how grown up and important you are, you will dig in to play dough and colour to your hearts content every time you see them.

9. You may not be the feistiest, but if any one hurts/swears around/shoves past/looks the wrong way at your Niece or Nephew, all kinds of murderous thoughts will consume you.

10. As soon as they are born in to the world as a wrinkly, red, weird little gremlin, you realise you've probably never loved anything as unconditionally as them. They can make you proud just by saying one word, laugh by singing along to Adele (my Niece actually does this and it's amazing) or ugly cry at her sharing her biscuit with a baby. And they will see for sure that life will never be the same way again.

No I didn't cry when writing this, you did.

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Tuesday, 29 December 2015

How to detox after Christmas

Who else ate and drank waayyy too much this Christmas?! Judging from my Twitter, it's a good 99% of us and why not, that's what Christmas is for, right! That and getting in massive family arguments over a board game. But if you're like me, you're looking to clean up and feel less like you're made of roast potatoes and chocolate. So I put together my plan of action for whenever I'm feeling a bit softer round the edges (and feel free to ignore this until after New Years Eve, there's no judgement here):

Penny GIF from big bang theory 'I need help'

Don't restrict too much: I'm a big believer in gently does it. You can't expect to go from slobbing on the couch one day to being one of those fitness models on Instagram the next. Take it easy and introduce little things every day, much easier to swallow and you still get to enjoy yourself. Bonus.

Water: Water fixes everything. Spotty skin? Water. Overindulgence? Water. A broken heart? Vodka Water. Nothing sorts any sin like drinking a crap ton of water. It flushes out all the nasties, makes you feel better and re-hydrates after all that coffee, wine and sugar! If you're feeling cheeky, you can even chuck in a bit of lemon now and again for extra bonus points too.

Get back on the exercise bandwagon: Oh I know, it's cold outside and 'The Holiday' is on and Jude Law gets lonely if you don't watch him every rom-com ever, but when was the last time you moved farther than the TV to the kitchen? Do whatever you want for as little as you like, the important thing is you are getting back in to it. YouTube some yoga, go for a festive walk to look at the lights, dance around to the radio, just get yourself moving. You'll feel so much better after, I promise (God, I sound like my Mother).

Stop eating so much beige: I looked at my plate the other day and it was all beige and two thoughts entered my head, 1; what a time to be alive, and 2; I need to eat something that isn't carbs before my body cries. You can still enjoy the festivities, just throw in a bit of colour now and then. And no, M&M's don't count smart ass.

Get your sleep pattern sorted: Oh how I preach away when I'm typing this at 1am! But sleep's like a magical gift with added bonuses. A quality eight hours not only makes you feel better but apparently, it can be more beneficial for weight loss than missing an hour to go to the gym. I will take that science any day.

Treat yourself: Instead of treating yourself with a biscuit have a bath or just chill out with a book, anything that makes you feel good. Personally, if I feel like crap I'm more likely to think 'Well what's the point, I might as well keep with the theme and mooch around in my slouchy, non-judgemental clothes'. If I'm feeling good, it's all 'Yeah lets crush a workout and eat things that grow from the ground.' It's all in the old mind, if you can convince yourself you can do it (and actually want to do it!), that's genuinely half the battle. I can't count the times I've barely been able to make a short run because my mind's telling me I can't. The mind is a very powerful thing, use it to your advantage.

Hope this helps even a tiny bit! Let me know any tips in the comments!

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Monday, 21 December 2015

Why I struggle at Christmas

Ooh I can already feel people hating me! Don't get me wrong, I love seeing family, the twinkly Christmas lights, the strong pyjama game and all the fatty food. I just felt like the blogging world with all the shopping hauls maybe needed a bit of perspective.

First, I need to start by saying all you girls and guys producing these adorable vlogmas/blogmas posts about Christmas cookies and family time, I am not attacking you. In fact, my entire December has been snuggled in bed with spiced apple tea watching and reading all your content. I just personally feel a bit fake posting a Christmas themed blog when I'm dreading most parts of it.

I've had mixed emotions towards Christmas since I was around 12, when my parents started fighting and every 25th December became a game of how many hours can we go before they start arguing. And even now, 8 years later, some kind of family drama sparks which leaves me wishing it would all just end already.

It should be such a magical time of year yet I can't help but think of all the people who are dreading it. People for whom Christmas magnifies whatever is going on in their lives. And it's not just people with feuding families. It's people whose loved one has passed away, elderly people who have no family, people going through a break up, the people who are spending it in a hospital. And it breaks my heart thinking of these poor people who want to scream every time they hear yet another Christmas song.

It's also the complete absurdity of the situation. Sending cards to that friend I stopped talking to 5 years ago and that Auntie who we can never actually remember the name of. Buying presents for each other for them to be returned a few weeks later. The price of something reducing by half just because it's the day after Christmas. Spending thousands of pounds for one day. A day that's a Christian tradition when actually, how many of us are even Christians? Or even stop to think of the real reason we are doing any of this.

On the brighter side though, I love that Christmas means I can spend time with my family, do some baking with my Niece and lets face it, shove food in to my face hole without judgement! And as tough and fake as the festive period can be, I do believe in the magic of Christmas. Everyone talks to people in the street on their Christmas day walks and I think it's a time when anything can happen if you wish it to.

On that slightly more cheery note, I'm off to blast out 'Fairytale of New York' and make some gingerbread men. See, I'm not a complete grinch...

Are you a grumpy Grinch like me or an excited Buddy the Elf?

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